i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
