I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
