Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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