Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
