We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I lost the right to judge tonight
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
