He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
