i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
