my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
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