I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
