somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
did you just send me my own nude
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
