I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
