puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
