I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
