Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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