if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
