3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
