Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize