I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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