but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
