i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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