Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
