i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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