last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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