Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
