I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
