Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
