people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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