My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
