I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
