Girls should come with a carfax report
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
