I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
