I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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