So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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