I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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