In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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