And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
