I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
