god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
