I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
