i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
