8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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