saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
