Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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