Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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