If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
