I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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