Don't make out with my wife yet
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
