That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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