her vagina looked like bernie madoff
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
