So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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