The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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